Cows Need Online Love, Too

Trouver le Bontaraeau, or “Find the Right Bull,” lets francophile farmers register their single-and-looking bovine ladies in an effort to find just the right beefcake for mating purposes.

A consortium of French breeding associations launched the site in October after a farming summit. Breeders write up their cows’ online profiles, recording age and race (eye color is assumed to be brown), followed by their ideal traits in a mate. Milking prowess in its female progeny, perhaps? Muscular fitness? Or perhaps an unfettered ability to knock up his mate on the first go-around?

Part of the site’s appeal is that it lends farmers the ability to boost the genetic profile of an existing herd so as to make it more “profitable, super efficient and adapted to the market,” as Pascal Soulas of Charolais Univers told the Business Insider. Today’s overtaxed farmer, he adds, “needs docile cows who can give birth without his intervention or that of a veterinarian.”

So how does this particular matchmaking site match up? We personally have our eye on Hilius, who, Google translation tells us, is “the female choice!” owing to his “super maternal line.” (Swipe right!) Though one cannot discount the strapping, golden brown Hauteclaire, whose daughters apparently boast “exceptional dairy potential” and “good pelvic opening.” Bon? Then there’s the sculptural Rodin, or “The Complete,” whose female offspring “are distinguished by their skeletal superiority.”

One might envision udderly charming first dates, full of sunset field strolls in which bovine beauts shake her rumps and gentlemen callers add a little woo to their moo. Alas, the star-crossed grass lovers never the twain shall meat; the males are merely hocking their sperm for far-flung use.

Nonetheless, the site trumps Tinder, Match.com et al. in one important way: the sisters are doing it for themselves. (Well, the farmers who own the sisters.). What other online cattle call is strictly about female needs, where the males must hock their wares and post a photo while the ladies remain avatar free?

No word on where same-sex-oriented cows can cruise for their ideal mates, but we do know this: they’re not on Grindr.